A while back I was talking to my BFF, my BESTIE, my ACE and she left me with words that seemed encouraging to her, but punctured my soul like a two dagger sword. As we chatted over the phone she said to some effect, “…you know, women like us, who always have plans/goals/dreams, but never make anything of ourselves…” She continued to talk, but my ears were deaf. The little women in my mind were going into overdrive trying to process her actual statement, her possible in-between-the-lines statement, and the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I was one of them.
Am I really Langston’s answer to what happens to a Dream Deferred?
Am I festering?
How did I become an immobile procrastinator carrying around bags of treasures that the world has yet to see, and at this rate, probably will never see?
Lord help me, but it was true. I hated to admit to myself that I let the little girl, who I once was, down. I did not become the person I wanted to be. I did not allow my passions to blossom. If she could look at me, she would be shocked, more than that, she would be hurt. Tears swell in my eyes as I remember her. The girl who knew the sky was the limit and that her capabilities made her desires possible–within reach, no matter how grandiose they seemed.
As my friend talked, I wondered why my life was here and not there?? What has stalled me? When did that girl die?
I don’t know when I became complacent. I don’t know how I talked myself out of “being myself”.
What I do know is, although I may not be that same girl, she is still apart of me and what she wanted has not died, it’s just lost. Now, at 27 it is my job to find my lost pieces, pair them with pieces I’ve picked up as I’ve journeyed through life and come up with great picture that we both can be satisfied with.
Here I am, a 27 year old woman about to undergo a major transformation. As I am approaching the 30 year mark I am feeling the pressure to feel accomplished. I’ve been to school, but don’t have a degree. I’ve had 2 kids, but don’t have a husband. I’ve done my “healthy” research, but I’m still 30+ pounds overweight. I’ve started a business, but I am still in the early morning rat race! Something has to give!
Plenty of self talks later I have decided that if I don’t demand my change and create my space now, I never will. I thought about all the Black women that inspire me. Maya Angelou has been my favorite person since I was a little girl. I am impressed with known talent such as Jurnee Smollet-Bell (The Great Debaters,Temptation), Gabourey Sidibe and Michael B. Jordan (Fruitvale Station). Even the students who intern at my job leave their determination, dedication and directness with me. In my heart, I know that celebrity or college genius, they are no different from me–that I, too, can achieve my goals and be my best self. So, for the past couple of months I’ve been evaluating everything about myself and my life and coming up with action plans. I have decided to document it in a blog because many people don’t tell or show the transformation, they just emerge changed. Nevertheless, I realize that there are lot of women who are like me and will be able to benefit from watching me climb from the bottom to the top. And that’s how I came up with the name soNOVELme, which basically means Write About Me!
Let’s transform our lives together!